Just like when you're 13 and you find your first pubic hairs, I woke up the other day to discover that I had grown some breasts.

Not extra breasts, just worked on the ones I already had.

 Like, FINALLY!

Imagine a world where you could bypass the hardship; forget the rent and the mortgage, and concentrating on saving up to explore the planet, move to neverland The Netherlands, never having to work again, and studying art... yeah, that's a world I'd like to live in.

Day 1. Our first day our on the market.  Inspected 7 apartments in the St Kilda area, but didn't fall in love with any one in particular. Dressed to the nines: high heels & red lipstick; like we had a million dollars.  Decided we like the For Sale tag rather than Auction.  Learning tricks of the trade... what to ask, what to say, how to say it, and what to keep to ourselves.  Had a coffee on Acland Street whilst wading our way through the piles of glossy finished 400gsm Property files that we had collected in the morning, and were waiting to inspect later in the afternoon.  What tossers.  But we had fun.  Now we're dreaming of what we can do with our current situation, and if we borrowed a little bit more.  15th floor in Southbank...?  + gym + pool +, +, +... ?  hmmmm.... I'll sleep on it.

:D

Come,

To enter or be brought into a specified state or condition.(dictionary.com)

As you are
As you were
As I want you to be

I can't ever be that person. Never that girl, never that woman, what I want to, and what you want me to be.
"... hey at least I like your personality"

As a friend
As a friend
As a known memory

That's all it was supposed to be.  But friends don't sleep together. Knowing me - which you claimed to do - under all circumstances one would have not "gone there" . There is so much I should put right here - but perhaps it is not appropriate for a public domain.  Thank goodness for Backspace.

Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is yours
Dont be late

I was too late.  But for the months leading up to the decision, I spent much time trying to decypher the situation, the people and the person. Understanding heals the wounds - or so I had thought.  Having always given the benefit of doubt -- incase intention was miscommunicated or misunderstood -- I put it in that basket.  But when it is now revealed in one cold word in a alleyway domestic - speechless.

Undoing all the work that someone had carefully redeveloped personal positivity with over the course of a year - debates and put downs that everyone usually suspected were jokes - it is a fact that I cannot change/reverse/remove.  I spent years attempting to remove the yellow that soils my skin - partially - and then finally accepting reality - who I am, what I am - my body which seems to never be quite right,,, girl, too fat, too skinny, lack of breasts, lack of penis... asian(!).

Take a rest

...

As a friend
As a known memory
Memory ah

So what do I do now?  Friend? Enemy? Non-Ex? What the fuck was it.  What the fuck did it mean.  Time and time again. Expectations. Suspicions.  Rumers. Accusations.  Lies. And this, the biggest lie of all.  Lies can also come by keeping information too...

Come
Doused in mud
Cept in bleach
As I want you to be

I suppose,  that at least.. I only half repulsed you.  Yet you let me in, made me stay, ...and knew all my fears.  I cleansed your life and put you at peace with so many things... forgetting mine which lurked in the background... only for once again... settling down... comfortability... and then BAM!  Whacked in the face AGAIN.  A social conditioning thats ripped me to shreds as I loose myself in humiliarity.

A a friend
As a known memory

And I swear
That I dont have a gun
No, I dont have a gun.

That's not my weapon of choice.

Yo!  Anyone wanting 3 days of fast action petrol fueled leather bound two wheeled paid work down at Phillip Island for MotoGP October 3-5, email me at vampyressx@hotmail.com.  You just got your free ticket  + paid to be there too.

• I wish I'd see a field below 
  I wish I'd hear a rooster crow
  But there are none who live downtown
  And so the day starts out so slow
  
  Today is another day.  Wake up. Turn the alarm off. Sleep in far too long then panic as I race to work; breakfast and make-up in the car. Teach some.  Eat some.  Feed each of my 16 baby darlings.  Make sure J is okay.  Listen to W whine at me.  Listen to H accuse me of telling him off for no reason -- I haven't said a word -- Receive some 57 new emails  but only attend to a few; answer a few calls from International Division.  Ignore the rest.  Go home.  Nap.  Set up the laptop, work onward.  Sleep at somepoint.  Rinse.  Repeat.
  
  Again the sun was never called
  And darkness spreads over the snow
  Like ancient bruises
  
  And here we are again.  The deviant nature of evil men who are out there to have 'their turn'.  I'd almost be reliving the sequence, only this time I woke up in a place I know with people who care.  Then I wake up again; vomit on my clothing, daylight, outside. Car. A phone call... driven home. For the very first time.  Attempted memory.  Gone. Blank. Lost. Time lost.  How much time lost?  WTF happened?  Why can't I remember? And why do I not have a hangover...?
  
  I'm awake and feel the ache
  But I wish I'd see a field below
  I wish I'd see a field below
  
  Drink spiked. But who? why? how? WHY! Why forced?
  
  I wish I'd see your face below
  I wish I'd hear you whispering low
  
  So cold.  Just want to be warm, and - forgive the gay - held. Tight. Eyes familiar. Tell me everything's going to be okay, baby. No more tears.  Just thought.  Stone; cold; thought. Haunting my every recollection of what, where, how, why, who...?
  
  But you don't live downtown no more
  And everything must come and go
  
  Wake up.  Alone.  Not my bed. Not my clothes. Not my underwear! Showered, warm, mango juice greets me as I pick up my phone.  Messages.  A knock at the door.  Friendly voice. Clothes washed & dried, still warm from the dryer. Where did the day go?
  
  Again the sun was never called
  And darkness spreads over the snow
  
  Did anything happen...?  Don't think so. Thank god Levis provided the product perfection I asked for earlier that day... "the tiniest pair of black jeans known to mankind..."
  
  Like ancient bruises
  I'm awake and feel the ache
  But I wish I'd see a field below
  
  Time repeats itself; sneaks up on you like cheap gstring on a hot day.
  Shock value; complete.
• Attempted forgetfulness; failed.
  Video Footage: mortifying.
  Pixelated darkness etched in my mind.
• Engraved with a shhhaaarrpppp scream of the metal as it's scraped away deeper and deeper and lengthier in the pitch high in decabel.
• Paranoia... unbelievably uneventful.  This is a good thing.
  
  I'm awake and feel the ache ...I don't even know who he is.
  

 I had to close my eyes

Definition, according to personal accumelated reference, is that which is identified as clearly stand alone from that identity of another, and which is meaningful only to those who use it in that specific semantic social context.  Yes, something has been on my mind... after a collection of days:months:years of redefining, recalculating, reviewing, reassigning, clarifying and deciphering my definition of such an issue, I find myself once again questioning my definition... or perhaps questioning the pretendingness of REdefining the issue to its more current, and perhaps more appropriate definition. 

You must have wanted the world to know

But would that which we call a rose by any other name smell as sweet?

 And now, they know